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Crap Film Club Review: Arachnoquake

Friends…. It was all going so well but after last time’s brilliant film “Spaghetti Man,” but it was only a matter of time before we had to come crashing down to earth and boy did we ever. In fact, we came down so hard that we’ve gone deep into the crust of the earth.


What can I say? This film is the whole reason this club was started in the first place. At the end of a D&D game we were joking around, as you do, and someone mentioned this film and that it would be fun to get together and watch it. One thing lead to another and here we are; 4 films into a watch-list that keeps growing. And now that I’ve watched this film, I’m beginning to think that this was a bad idea, because I don’t think I can mentally take another film like “Arachnoquake.” However, before we get into why this film is so bad and made me want to never watch another film ever again, let’s try to recap this mess of a movie.

“Arachnoquake” is a 2012 made-for-television “horror” film and follows a group of tourist on a bus tour through New Orleans. There were a series of earthquakes, which began as a result of a fracking operation, which opened up fissures in the ground. This allowed giant fire-breathing spiders to attack (naturally). Why are the spiders giant and have the ability to breathe fire? I don’t know. The film never addresses it. After the first spider attack, the tour group head to a boat owned by the bus driver’s father. From there they try to escape, but crash the boat after being chased by the spiders (which suddenly can walk on water?). After crashing, and some of the group dying, the remaining members go to kill the queen of the spiders, who -if killed- will Phantom Menace all the other spiders.

This film is the worst one I’ve watched so far. The CGI spiders gave me a headache, and the script felt like it was written by a 12-year-old on acid, not helped by the editing which is all over the place. Most of the acting was terrible, however there are a few stand out performances. The bus driver’s father, who’s name is “Roy” played by Ethan Phillips, is one of them. The other being an old man that goes by the name “Gramps” who dies at the very start of the film. Apart from those two, the other performances made me want to jump through the screen and punch all the insufferable gits. Perhaps I’m being a little too harsh. After all, what the actors had to work with wasn’t exactly Shakespeare. As mentioned before, the script for this film was awful with characters changing motivations from scene to scene and having new characters come from nowhere with no introduction and then act like we’re supposed to know who they are and what their doing here.

Now, I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t mention the appalling CGI Spiders. When they’re on screen, it’s like looking at old PS2 graphics. Blocky and stiff, the spiders move with an unnatural jerkiness that only draws attention to how bad the CGI is. Another thing that only serves to draw attention to the poor quality of the spiders is the fact that from scene to scene, and even shot to shot, the spiders will grow and shrink. Combined with the constant clipping, it makes it hard to feel any fear or worry for our protagonists whenever they try to fight off the spiders.

So, to wrap this review up we have the perfect storm of crap. Bad acting, an even worse script, CGI that gives you a headache just looking at it, all wrapped up by editing that can’t decide who to focus on.


This Saturday we will be watching the next Crap Film, Llamageddon! RSVP on the Events page now! This one will only be 1 hour too!

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